Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Exit

And so the realization came to me like a bucket of cold water thrown on my face on a cold winter day. I am called to speak, but that calling is not received in this ministry, and that is why I am in the wrong place. I am like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole; it's never going to work. The truth God is revealing to me, is not going to be heard; it's going be condemned. My heart for women, my love for God, my desires to serve will be watched with eagles eyes and torn down at every turn. I could stay and fight some more, or I could leave and turn to what I know God is calling me to do, Speak. I could surround myself with people that build me up, or I could stay in the den of lions. God said I could go, so both my husband and I stepped away. The next day I was asked to speak in MI, and I was humbled again at the glorious God I serve. The way He works, the way He confirms, the way He loves.
It didn't just end. With some it was nicely accepted. Others, there were words of discouragement, telling me that God does not work this way and it's odd. There was blaming, assumptions, all the usual stuff. But, I was quiet.
Why am I speaking now? Why after all this time is it flowing out in a post? Because it's time. Because the question of what happened still lingers in the minds of others, and they are part of His Body, part of His heart. Because light dispels the darkness, and I'm choosing to hold only light. Because, community was pushed aside, hearts were hurt, and it was wrong. And, because, it keeps coming up. I want out of the court room for good, no surprise visits, no last minute trials. To accomplish that, I have to take the first step.
What could I have done differently? Been more aware that my opinions and questions were causing alarm. My heart needed to be more sensitive to them, and more tuned in to the fact that I was being too bold. Less emotional? Less passionate? I always tell myself that if I could just be less engaged in these areas it might go smoother. Like my husband who is 'take it all in stride' but I have not learned that tactic yet. And, God has not seen fit to give it to me. I could have been more loving, less judgmental, more patient, and more giving. And, I confess that I need the power of His Spirit more every day to grow me into His plan so I can walk that path. I absolutely do not do it perfectly in anyway whatsoever!
Jesus, Say That Again, You will continue to walk me through the saga's of life. You have walked me through this and I have learned a lot. You continue to walk me through so very much. Jesus, I am here to serve You and to speak truth. sometimes speaking the truth is not that fun or very pretty. It can be scary, it can be risky, and I can feel vulnerable. Jesus, Say that Again, You are with me!

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