Saturday, January 21, 2012

The Story

I have been waking up a night, suddenly and shockingly. Maybe from a dream, but I don't remember dreaming. I'm just awake. And, much of the time, I am unable to go back to sleep. I woke up at two o'clock this morning, same thing, suddenly and alarmingly.
As I have been praying about this to God, asking Him to lead me and reveal to me more truth, He sent me to Psalms 17 later this morning.  It starts out by David asking God to listen to him. David is building his case in the most honest way that he can. Confession.  I know about that. Just before God impressed Psalms 17 upon my heart, I had a list of confessions for Him. The kind of confessions that are deep within my heart, and needed to be expelled. I confessed that I didn't have words for some of the feelings that were swirling around inside my soul, but I knew that He could take it all and figure it out. I confessed that I often try to run ahead and fix myself, rather than give it to God and let Him bind up the wounds in His timing. I confessed that I feel way more than I care to right now, and being obedient is not an easy thing to do. I confessed that sometimes I do feel fear and anxiety, and isolation, and mistrust. I kept going for awhile, and then listened for His gentle voice.
It was the same. "Focus on me, Bethany, I am Your Rock and I am Your story!"  And, then psalms 17. In verse 3, it says this,  "Go ahead,  examine me from the inside out, surprise me in the middle of the night- You'll find I'm just what I say I am. My words don't run loose."
When I wake in the night, I pray. I am often confronted with unwanted feelings. Feelings that I am now understanding  need to be examined from the inside out.  And, as that is done, I will know that He will keep His eye on me and  hide me under His cool wing feathers.
Further down in this chapter it talks about the wicked that rise up against me, the deadly enemies that surround me, they have closed their unfeeling heart, with their mouth they speak proudly.
This reminds me of the truth of my past that God is revealing to me right now. My challenge in the present is to keep that in the past!  God has been a constant light in my face and on my path, even when I feel unsure. This chapter being evidence of His affirming love to me. It ends with this verse "As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness, I will be satisfied with your likeness when I awake."
Jesus, Say That Again! You are constant. You Hear me. You cover me. And through it all, Your Story shines.

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