Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Next Brick

The Pesky Packets are still in my life and I worked on them for a couple of hours today. I managed to get a pretty good routine down, I would even venture to say I was organized. It was nice to get a stack of them all done.  I have also been thinking about the wall that has been tightly built around my heart, the wall God has asked to penetrate. The wall that I have slowly been allowing God to take the bricks from, and toss them.  It is not easy at all. Sometimes I take the brick back and put it on the wall, cementing it on.  Sometimes I just gaze at the wall and read the bricks: Fear, Rejection, Abandonment, Pride, Envy, Despair, Abuse, Pain, Isolation, and heartache.  There are a lot of bricks, some of them I cannot even name. Some of them I have dealt with, and now I have brought them back to look at them in a different way, from another angle on the wall. I have asked for Jesus to give me His view of my wall, and to let me see the root of the wall. It's flesh, it's sin, and it's life. The truth is though, as a child of God, His Saint, I know that He has won my battle. He has taken my bricks, pulled me up out of the mud and set me in the heavenlies. I like it there. I rejoice in my position there, yet I have those days that I still insist on grabbing the bricks and building a wall around my heart to self protect. Why do I do what I do not want to do? This is a very old and familiar question...
For me, I do not want to go through the pain of being hurt, again. Rejection, perceived or real, is rejection to my heart and it hurts. It takes me back to the rejection of childhood and I don't want to go there.
And so, God continually tells me, I will not reject you. I will not leave you, forsake you, or ever be without you. He tells me this everyday. He is constant to remind me to trust IN Him, and steadfast in His ability to prove trustworthy. I am slow to take my steps, even though He is so very faithful. I obey, yet I get afraid. He holds my hand, and He chips away at all the bricks, gently telling me that He is with me.
So, today, as I step again with Him I will continue to remember that I am Captured IN His Hands. Free to give to Him all that I am. My focus is Him. He can continue to take the bricks and show me truth, revealing my heart to Him and to others. I will step, and I will live, I won't pretend it's easy.
Say That Again, Jesus, You are taking down the bricks I've built around my heart, and revealing truth more and more each day. Thank you for being my God.

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