Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Wishful Hermit

There was a time in my life that I wished I could be a Hermit.  I would think about how great it would be if I NEVER had to encounter a single person! Isolated, alone, recluse, this seemed like safety to me. I was okay being with my family--my husband and children, but sometimes even that seemed like more than I could bear.  I just wanted to be alone.
The emptiness and the pain inside of me was so intense, the shame, I couldn't stand the thought of being seen. So, I hid my heart away behind many walls.  It was safe.  At least I thought it was safe, but in reality it was holding me captive in a world of darkness. It was creating a self-centered world where I convinced myself that the majority of people were the enemy. It was painful and lonely and sad.  Anytime I talked, it was not in anyway a revelation of my true self and that is because I had no idea who my true self was.
As I was reading in Matthew 5 this morning, I read about letting our light shine like a city on a hill, that's being pretty visible.  And, a bit down from that on the Message side it says "keep open house; be generous with your lives.By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
My body is His temple, his house!  And, He is asking me to be open and generous in the way that I live.  He is asking me to be transparent, AGAIN! It is through my open, transparent life, that God can use me to bring others into His Kingdom.  He gives me the words to say about my life, then He uses that to draw others into Him!  Wow, I find that amazing, because my life has been a mess.  He can take a whole pile of junkie stuff, and use it to save the souls of others!  Because, it is darkness brought into the light.
My past has left a trail of hurts and pain, and further down in this chapter Jesus says to reconcile with the friends that have walls between me. Do not hold a grudge, but love them.  Go to them and speak.  My love for Jesus drives me to live in the light of friendship and love, to walk a path of reconciliation. Words hurt, so I must pray for His Spirit to always speak through me, and pray for His Spirit to help me forgive the words that I have found hurtful and damaging. "The simple moral fact is that words kill."
Sanctify my mouth, Jesus, use it only for your Glory! There have been many times in my life that my mouth has not been used for Jesus! I confess this to Him and everyday I pray for the power of His Spirit to be upon my lips. I pray that I will do as I say in the lives of others, and truth will reign in me. My life will be an open book before Him and those I love, and my words will be like salve to the people He brings into my life.  My words will bring life, not death!
My children can bring such pain to each other with their words.  Name-calling, anger, down-right meanness. When they have these moments, it challenges me to bring light into their lives, and help them see the impact they have on each others hearts. It challenges me to love their hearts and point them towards Jesus. It reminds me that even as an adult, I have behaved like a child.  We all do sometimes. And, then we make enemies. But, Jesus says to love even those who have become our enemy.  He tells us to go to them and be friends. To forgive and live in the light.  My children do this too.  They can be so angry with each other, then five minutes later they have forgiven and they are sweetly playing together. Loving each other, helping each other, displaying kindness.
So, I am choosing to love and display kindness today.  I will not have a hermit heart with walls surrounding me.  I will continue to be real, transparent, alive in Jesus.  A generous life in Him and in His love. I will continue to pray for His light to shine and His life to change me on a daily basis.
Jesus, clothe me today.  Speak to me and through me. Remind me to run from the hermit life and into your arms. Say That Again to me so I will remember the beauty of a generous life with You!


  1. Wow! Thank you. Another assurance from God that I am on the right path. What a loving Father we have!

  2. Thank you Bethany, love your transparency! Wow! You always challenge me to go deeper, jaynee


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