The Family Fun Day

Today was another beautiful Fall day. I wanted my husband and children to see the beauty I saw yesterday in the park. We went again to the park today and my children rode their bikes. It was a nice day for all of us. The sun was warm, the air was cool. We had a very nice time.

After spending time at the park and seeing God's beauty, we went to the coffee shop. It was a big treat for my kids to go to the coffee shop, they had fun. It was really busy there today and the only table that was left to sit at was a very small one, kid size. So the four of sat around the small kid sized table in the middle of the coffee shop and ate our scones and drank our coffee/beverages. We had good conversation at our small table.

My son needed a haircut so we headed to the mall. While he was sitting in the chair getting his hair cut, my daughter and I were looking at jewelry and clothes.

I have noticed a shift within me. When I woke up this morning, I spent a lot of time talking with my husband, and crying. I've been crying a lot lately. I'm not crying just because of the losses in my life, but I think because I know there are things that are changing too. In my ministry, my relationships, my family. There are adjustments to make, and God is asking me to move into different areas and do other things, and it's scary. I've had a lot of time to think about it as I've been scaling back because of the pain my body has been experiencing. My focus, for now, is more on days in the park, and restful naps. I move slow, and have lots of time to think about what God is saying, and how I can grow from this experience, and where the blessings are in all of this! He has allowed me to see depression, sadness, joy, pain, loss, hope, courage, boldness, fear, desperateness, and love. They all race around in my heart.
Today, with my family, and all the lovely colors in the park, He again reminded me that even with all those feelings, when I feel so weak and alone, He is strong. He is going to continue to be with me and walk beside me and show me the way I need to go. All through this day I kept asking Him to Say That Again to me, and I would hear Him say it in so many wonderful ways. I don't know exactly what lies ahead, but I do know He won't leave me!

The Days I Live

We made caramel apples with our family and friends. It was a fun day, and the apples were especially good. I didn't buy enough apples, nor did we have enough caramel, so in the middle of our project we had to run to the store for more. It was sticky. 

I got to spend the day with two of my grandchildren. It was delightful. We went to my office and they ran up and down the hallway. They also played in my husband's office and sat with him on the couch.

We also went out for ice cream.

After our adventurous ice cream trip, we drove home. My grandson was exhausted and he took a nap. I wanted to take a nap, but my granddaughter had lots to tell me, and was eager to share it all! We played on the swing outside, and we explored the toys in the house. She pushed the little red cart around, and carried her baby in her arms.  When my grandson woke up, they decided to play blocks, and color, and do all kinds of fun things in my house.

Today, was a nice day for me. I have been so tired lately, waiting for surgery to be approved and feeling sad over some losses. There have been a lot of things to think about and several changes in my life. Today, I went to the park with a friend. It was a beautiful Fall day. The sun was warm, the colors were beautiful. We had a very nice time.

With each day I continue to thank God for His blessings. Sometimes I have been irritable, or fearful, and I have needed to whisper His name over and over again. I have needed to ask Him to Say That Again to me "do not be afraid, dear child, for I am with you!"  I have needed to ask others to pray for me, and to ask Him to help me abide in Him. 

Jesus, Say That Again, over and over. I know I need to hear you constantly, for I am weak, and You are strong.

The Mixed Emotions

It's Monday again. My weekend was a mix of all kinds of emotions.  Saturday was full for me and by the end of the day I was very tired. I had to leave home by ten to drive to another town to visit with a friend that I have not seen in a few months. My daughter in law and another friend joined me there and we all ate lunch together. It was nice.
I couldn't stay and visit with them as long as I would've liked because I needed to go to a memorial service for a friend of mine that died. As I was leaving, my daughter in law handed me a little box. When I got in the car, I opened it and there was a beautiful bracelet inside. On the bracelet, these words were inscribed, "Know in your heart you are loved". The gift brought tears to my eyes, and I put it on right away, and I felt loved.
I drove to the church and sat in the back with a friend. When I walked in, they were singing Fly Away Home, and it reminded me of when our dog, Stinky Dog, died. We buried her in the back yard and I played Fly Away Home. I sat through the service, thinking of my friend, and listening. I had questions, lots of questions.
When the service was over, I drove home and cried as I drove. I felt sad. It would've been nice to see her one more time. I would have liked that.
When I got home, I took a nap and it felt good. I really needed to sleep. And then, my daughter came bounding in ready for her girl night. My daughter in laws arrived and we made snacks and found movies. A friend came and we watched movies and ate good food. It was fun. My daughter in law stayed for the night, she slept in the same room with my daughter. They played Lego, and they talked. They had fun.
The next morning was relaxing with coffee and pancakes. The rest of the family and some friends came later and we made caramel apples. It was nice. My grandchildren were gathered all around me and it felt good to me. I find that some of my most incredible moments are the ones when all my family gathers, and I get to watch them. Or the times when I see God work in the lives of His children and He uses me as His tool. Or the times that I see my children reaching out to others in Kingdom ways, and life lights up.
Then, I have other moments that are deeply emotional. I feel upheaval. There has been loss, and I still feel myself grieving. There is pain, and that is reality. But, the bigger reality is that God's compassion and grace is so amazing and His power so magnificent that through Him I will conquer the sadness, the upheaval, the grief, and the pain.
I saw the doctor today. He thinks we can schedule surgery now, as soon as I go to physical therapy to rule out that my pain is not caused from something else. Hopefully, in about three weeks, this pain issue will be solved.
Jesus, I know You are in control. You see my day, You hear my cries and You know my needs. I want to abide in You and give my all to You. I will Say That Again, I want to abide in You.

The Last Few Days

The last few days have been sad days for me. I have felt lonely. There have been sad things happen in our family, and sad things happen with my friends. I have found that it is very challenging to rise above the circumstances.
I found out earlier today that a friend of mine died. She was not a close friend, but she was someone that I had spent time with. I knew her story, and I liked her. I felt very sad knowing that she was gone and I had not had the chance to see her one more time.
My week has been challenged with relationships. I have had some changes and I have needed to bring my questions to God. I am left asking Him, again if He is good, then why are my children hurting, or why is my heart crying, or why is it so hard to trust or painful to step out in faith?  Every part of me this week has wanted to just stay home and snuggle by the fire, eat chocolate, read books, and nap. I have asked God lots of questions, but He simply responds to me with words like "be still" or "rest in me" or "abide in me" .
Okay. I called my doctor today to see what was going on with the insurance. Nothing. I have to make a doctor visit so that there is more documentation. It is a slow process and I am frustrated. Maybe someday I will feel better, but today it feels like I won't ever feel better.  I know the enemy of my soul would like it if I believed those lies.
I met with three friends today. One was very early this morning and we prayed. It was nice. We meet every week, and I like it. We drank coffee, and ate a bagel.  Then, a little later, a met up with another friend that I hadn't seen in a long time, and it was good. I was pleased to be able to catch up on the news and I realized how much I missed having her in my life. Then I had lunch with another friend and I enjoyed the comfort of being with a friend that prays. I risked some heart felt thoughts and listened to hers as well.
But then, I found that every time I was alone in my truck I was crying. It was because my heart was hurting  and I am sad. It is because I am feeling like even though there are many people in my life, there are so many moments that I am feeling alone right now. God is bringing me to alone places for reasons, and I know what some of them are.  He wants me to continually turn back to Him in times like this, the times that I feel like I need someone to talk to. He is there for me to talk to Him, He is there to listen. Today I had a wave of emotion, and it felt like I would not make it through the check out line with out bursting into tears. It wasn't very fun. But, I did silently whisper to Him for help, and His goodness did come through.
Yesterday I spent some time with my grandson. It was delightful. He got a haircut, so now he looks more like a little boy, and less like a baby. We spent some time putting blocks in the empty peanut butter jar, hanging out on the bed eating granola bars, cuddling on the couch, poking burrito's with forks, and checking out the dog's water dish. It was an exciting afternoon! For me, being a grandmother is exquisite. My grandchildren are perfect. I adore them, love to be with them, and totally get the grandparents spoil grandchildren thing.
I am reading a book called Gospel. Here's a quote from the book that I read today: " The goal of the gospel is to produce a type of people consumed  with passion for God and love for others. We certainly don't seem to have that right."
I know I don't have that right. I do have passion for God, but, I want MORE. I do love people, but not enough, not nearly enough. And, I know that it is only through the love of Jesus that I will ever be able to accomplish either of these things.
I called a friend this evening to see how she was doing, I had promised to hold her accountable. We had a great conversation. I told her I felt lonely. We laughed. We agreed to talk again.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will wake up and talk to Jesus. I will ask Him to enable me to abide in Him, and to show me how to love. I will feel as I rest in His arms. And as I do all of this I will ask Him to Say That Again to me: Abide in Him, love, and rest.

The Training

Some of the Agape team and I have been at a Genesis Process training all week. We came home last night. We had a great trip. We left last Monday, five women packed in a car, bags and all. We packed semi-light. I had one medium sized bag, and it was stuffed full. I took shoes, and warm sweaters.  This is the bag I took:

We stuffed all our bags in the back of the car, and celebrated by taking a picture!

Our journey was fun. We talked, we laughed. It was full of anticipation.  Everyone was excited about the training and all the good things God was about to teach us.
We made stops along the way, and even tried to call home at an old phone booth:

We settled into our hotel right away. I liked seeing how we worked so well together. Everyone easily picked a room, and quickly started to put things away. We had candles, music, coffee, blankets, all the comforts of home.

The next day we were up bright and early and made it to the training in plenty of time. It didn't take long to see that we were in for an intense week!
Micheal Dye teaches the Genesis process in five days and he manages to stir up a lot of emotion!
I grabbed Micheal for a picture and also his lovely wife Cathy.

After the training, we would drive back to our hotel. Some would go for a run, or a swim. Some would retreat to the quiet of their room. I would usually retreat, because by then my body was not feeling very well and I was physically tired and emotionally tired. My family at home was going through some very difficult crisis, so I was feeling very sad for them. As I thought about the processes and worked through them and talked to God, my heart sometimes felt a little raw.
Sometimes I felt more like eating chocolate or hiding under my blanket.

Or I took pictures of other ladies doing their home work.

In the end, everybody finished. I learned a lot this past week, mostly about relationship. And, I was blessed by new experiences with God and His Words to me. Again, even in my moments of pain, He has shown me that I can laugh and be blessed. I can have joy in every journey and there will be a blessing.
On our way home, the pain in my body was more intense and I was beginning to feel like I was at my limit. I kept praying for God to give me the patience that I needed to get home. I needed to stop and get out of the car so I could lay down.

It's not exactly green pastures, but even in the pain, on the gravel parking lot, I couldn't help but laugh. My friends were gathered around me singing songs and doing jumping jacks.  A strange man came over from across the street to ask us if everything was okay. It all seemed kinda normal that I was laying around in the parking lot with gravel in my hair and girlfriends singing over me.  

Isn't that exactly what my Jesus does? He sings over me and all of us, and I am so pleased. And, as I am in training to further His Kingdom each and every day, He will continue to sing. 

Say That Again, Jesus! 

The Losses and The Gains

As I drove my daughter into school this morning, we listened to music together. My mind went back 20 years when my three adult sons were little and they were all home, busy as can be! When the three of them were very young, my husband and I decided that we were done having children, three was enough, so we took measures to make sure that there would be no more pregnancies.  But then, when our youngest was around 12, I began to have a change of heart, and I wanted to have more children. So, we went to the doctor, reversed the past decision, and six months later I was pregnant with our now 11 year old son! It was very exciting. It was like we were starting our family all over again, and to welcome our little son was amazing.
After he was born, I knew I wanted to have another one. I wanted him to have a sibling to play with, so after a couple years I got pregnant again. But, I miscarried at 8 weeks. We tried again, and I got pregnant right away. This time everything seemed to go really well, until one night I dreamed that our baby had died in the womb. I was 20 weeks. I called my doctor that morning asking for an ultrasound, and yes, our little boy was no longer alive. We went to the hospital for labor to be induced so I could deliver him.
We continued to try to have another child, and I had three more miscarriages. It did not seem to be in God's plan. It was a discouraging process. But, because of all of that, we ended up in China and brought home our daughter. She has added spark and drama to our lives. I don't think any of us every imagined one little girl could be so loud, dramatic, tearful, happy, angry, spunky, and joyful all at the same time!
Some one asked me if I've known life without pain. I've thought about that question a little bit more and I think that life always has an element of some kind of pain. If I am willing to admit and feel the pain, then I am able to know, see, and feel the joy. One cannot happen without the other. Jesus was the Man of Sorrow, His life was full of pain, yet He was a Joyful Man.
I'm thankful today for life, the life I have been given, and with that life there are losses and gains. I'm praising God for both, because I am seeing that He has taught me so much. Jesus, I will Say That Again, I am thankful!

The Mercy Song

I woke up early, as I normally do, and began to reflect on my day yesterday. My night was long again with a restless painful sleep. When I did wake up this morning I listened to Joy in the Journey by Michael Card, and it brought a smile to my face as I was gently reminded that there is light, wonder, and wildness to life when I seek it.
Yesterday, I finished up a group that I've been meeting with now for months. We made it through book one and book two in the Genesis Process, and it was good! I also met with other women on an individual basis and another group. It was a good day.
A friend of mine sent me pictures of pallets from far away with a little note saying she had found me lots of pallets!

I like the flower beside the pallets!
The doctor I am seeing is discussing my surgery with our insurance. He is sending in an appeal. In the meantime, I get to wait. I get to practice Joy in my Journey. I get to look for the wonder, the light, and the wildness in my life, even when I am in pain.
This morning, I decided to look for more songs. A friend of mine likes Amy Grant. So I was scrolling through some of Amy Grants songs from way back, and I came across the song How Mercy Looks From Here.
"When you face your greatest fear losing all that you hold near, open up your eyes my dear, oh how mercy looks from here."
The song is beautiful, and it really hit the spot for me, because it tied in to a book I'm reading. In my book, I read three questions last night:
1. What in my life, if taken away, would alter my value or identity?
2. What causes an unhealthy change of attitude, personality, or focus when "it" becomes threatened?
3. What is the thing outside of God that you put everything else on hold for ?

God has allowed me to have some pain in my life, and with this pain a few fears have crept in. What if it never goes away? What if I have to give up my way of life because of this? How am I going to learn to manage this? There's a lot of questions, and a lot of changes. His mercy has got to be my sustaining power.
So, today, I'm calling out for mercy all day long. And, I'm going to listen to Amy Grant! And, I asked my friend if she planned to bring all those pallets home with her, and she said I should send her a shrinking ray gun and she'd see what she could fit into her suitcase.  So I'm working on that :)
Jesus, You are the ultimate Mercy Song, sing over me today, and I'm asking You to Say That Again!